The Walk
by d3spairsyndrome
Summary: Dipper has suffered from PTSD ever since the Weirdmageddon incident and has constant nightmares. This nightmare is the worst one of all.


**THE WALK**

A Gravity Falls fanfiction

Rating: T (dark themes)

Pairing: None

Edited by: Sarah (strikingly = sarahdoesthings, tumblr = sejlanger)

*cover art by me, do not take*

* * *

Dipper lay wide awake in bed. The silence of the room was a result of his choice. He wanted to be alone, to take in the tranquility of a night without any terrors or disturbances. He felt silly for thinking that his life would ever be peaceful. How could he let something that happened so long ago continue to haunt his thoughts? His memories caused him to have horrible dreams almost every night since it happened. He did not divulge this information to his family, Mabel, or Stan, but he figured they knew how to put two and two together. Especially Mabel, since she slept in the next room. She would often hear him wake up in terror in the middle of countless nights. Dipper never addressed these nights with her and continued to avoid talking about them all together.

Tonight was going to be different. Although Dipper thought he had tried everything to ease his restlessness, he was going to try something new. Tonight, he was going to be brave. He was an adult now. These nightmares were childish to him. They made him feel small and weak. Dipper was not going to accept these kinds of feelings as an adult. He wanted to be stronger. This want, this need, to be stronger had been implanted into his mind since childhood. Growing tired of his usual, evasive measures, he was going to actively choose bravery tonight.

Tonight he was going to think about Bill head on.

As soon as the name even came into his head, he felt his stomach flip.

"Okay, Dipper, it's fine." He whispered to himself as a way to calm his nerves. "He can't hurt you anymore. You know this."

Dipper laid in bed staring at the ceiling for a moment before shutting his eyes. He didn't realize how hard this was going to be. When things got difficult, he wanted to run away. It was hard to break that habit, but he was done dealing with the immense pain that affected him almost every single night of his life since the incident occurred. He laid his hands on his stomach and tried to clear his mind.

The silence was comforting as it meant nothing was happening. Dipper focused on his breathing: breathing in while counting to 8, then releasing. He felt his focus begin to sharpen immediately.

Thoughts flew through his mind. He tried keeping his thoughts positive at first. He thought of the great opportunity he had to go to the same college as Mabel. This made him smile. They were not going to be separated, after all. Dipper was sure Mabel was content as well. As lucky as they already were to be going to the same college, their luck increased when they were placed in the same dorm. They would even get their own sections in the dorm, almost like two rooms. Things were working out with him and Mable. It helped him feel as though he made the right decision to stay with Mabel in the end.

Dipper finally felt at peace with his thoughts. Thinking of how far the two had come until now was encouraging. Nonetheless, Dipper still struggled with his psyche. The trauma he experienced at 13 had gotten to him deeper than he had even realized. He internalized it, and soon it manifested into his current problem. He had been dealing with these terrors for 5 years now.

Dipper's mind started heading south as he thought of this.

He felt it coming.

"Okay, okay, you're fine, you're fine," he chanted to himself again.

He tried again to focus on his breathing, but he found his breaths were getting staggered. They were becoming uneven and forced, almost as though he had forgotten how to breathe completely.

"Dammit," he cursed.

The instant Dipper had doubt, he lost his control.

Dipper began experiencing flashbacks of Weirdmageddon: the pain, the trials, the physical exertion. All of this and more came creeping back into Dipper's mind as they did every night.

He remembered feeling powerless without Mabel. He remembered how painful it was to not know if she or Stan were okay or if they were already dead.

He remembered how scared and small he felt during Weirdmageddon. He knew that everything would be okay once he found Mabel, but that made him feel weak. If he had been stronger , he never would have let her be taken to begin with.

As Dipper's mind wandered, he started to feel the physical strain of the memories as well. His insides felt like they were being ripped from his body. His stomach churned and did somersaults inside him. His head started to pound so painfully that he thought he would not be able to see straight if he had his eyes open. Despite all this pain, Dipper felt paralyzed He could not move, yet felt like his body was collapsing in on him. No one could help him; it was too late at this point. His mind was all in. Slowly, but surely, he felt himself sink deeper into unconsciousness.

"Bill…" He tried to coax his mind into facing the problem head on instead of shying away into a restless sleep.

Before he knew it, he was in a white world. Dipper wasn't sure when he had passed out, but he was sure that was what this was. The plane of existence he was on now seemed to transcend everything he ever thought he knew. It was white, quiet, and blank, like a new slate. Did this mean his mind was clear?

"On the contrary, old friend!" An all-too-familiar voice came from the whiteness.

Dipper tensed up immediately. He was going to do this. He was going to face this head on.

"Bill!" He yelled into the void. "Come out, I'm ready! Stop torturing me at night! I'm over you!"

A dark, demonic laugh came in response from the white void. Dipper gulped. Perhaps, reminding himself to be brave would help. He chanted to himself internally.

"Trying to be brave, huh?" Came the voice. "The fact that you have to trick yourself into believing it tells me you're not over it at all!"

The truth was painful to hear. Bill was right; Dipper did not feel courageous at all right now. He did not feel it in the least. Dipper had thought maybe he could trick himself.

His confidence wavered.

"You torture me...every single night...Get out. Get the fuck out now!"

Dipper felt so stupid. He tried to fight back the tears with everything he could. It was all too much. The cheeky, triangle bastard always had a comeback, even in Dipper's own mind. Dipper was not sure how long he could fight it, since he already felt weak.

"I don't think I can do that." Bill stated, matter-of-factly. Finally, the yellow, one-eyed triangle made his appearance. Slowly, he faded in from the void. Dipper suddenly missed the momentary silence before Bill had made himself known.

"In fact, I should thank you!" He continued.

Dipper was immensely confused now. "...Why?"

"You've kept me alive! Sure, all my gateways into reality are fucked up right now, and you've personally fucked me over, but, hey, you've kept me sustained in here all these years!"

The demon grew large and red in an instant.

"THANKS, KID! NOT AS DUMB AS YOU LOOK!"

The entire time Bill spoke, Dipper remained quiet. He felt intense, deep-rooted anger and hate. Not just at Bill, but at himself.

Dipper had single-handedly rescued Bill from being completely destroyed.

"H-How…" Dipper stammered, unable to complete the question and frazzled beyond measure.

"Your thoughts are special, kid." Bill explained, floating nearer to the boy. "You've brought me back with just your thoughts. Why? Because they're so stubborn, so impacted, and so affected by my work. You couldn't forget me! I don't blame you. I'm hard to forget."

Bill mimicked filing his nails.

"Just by thinking of me so passionately for so long, you've put me back into existence."

Dipper's eyes grew wide with terror. The white space around them started to shift. It became black and cold. The 'ground' started to fill with water. A mighty storm began to appear. Lightning and thunder bellowed in the distance, approaching closer with every second. The turmoil Dipper felt for so long was manifesting.

Without much retort from Dipper, Bill retreated into what was left of the void, most likely in order to avoid the sudden storm.

Dipper fell to his knees. "I summoned him back unconsciously... I'm to blame... It's all my fault…" The negative thoughts ate away at him. He felt his body start to wake, but it stung. His body felt as though it was on fire as he slowly came back to reality.

"Dipper! Hey!" Mabel's sweet voice echoed in his ears.

As his body became one with his mind again, a throbbing pain passed through his entire body. His eyes shot open.

"AHH! Mabel! Mabel, help!" He cried.

"Dipper, it's okay! You're safe!"

Hyperventilating, he grabbed his sister's shoulders. "No, Mabel, we aren't! Bill came back in my mind! I resurrected him!"

Mabel's eyes grew wide at his reaction. "What? Calm down; you're not making sense."

Dipper's body felt stiff from tensing up for so long. He released his sister and buried his head into his knees which were pulled up close to his body.

Dipper did not speak for several minutes.

"I...was...trying to conquer my fears." He slowly explained, his tone weighed heavily in fear "But it didn't work...I'm still scared he'll come back, Mabel. I'm scared he'll be worse."

Mabel listened intently to her brother. This was the most she had gotten him to talk about his thoughts in a long time. Nothing would interrupt this moment.

She put a firm grip on his shoulder. "Dipper, you're safe." She whispered.

Again, he tried to fight her encouragement. "No, Mabel, you don't-"

"You are safe." She repeated, stronger this time and making sure he was looking into her eyes. "You are safe and I'm right here."

The tears he fought back so roughly earlier threatened to fall more than ever. He broke his gaze with her and buried his head into his lap again, shaking slightly.

Mabel rested her head on his. It hurt seeing her brother this traumatized, especially since she had never seen it before. She knew it was there, but she never knew to what degree. It was worse than she thought.

Lifting her head, she wrapped her arms around him. Dipper did not reciprocate, but Mabel resolved that he did not have to. This was enough for her.

It was enough for him.


End file.
